Saturday, 21 October 2017

Just how long is my rope?

I'm trying so hard to just not be angry with this. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, that I'm almost succeeding. Well, I'm pissed, but I'm trying to keep it wrapped up. I feel dangerously close to not really giving a damn and I don't see how that could ever end well.
The weekend is here. Garf has both days off for a change. But still, there is nothing. So really, what was the damn point of telling me to do anything if he was going to completely ignore me when I said it was done and blowing off everything else he said he was going to do through the week.
I'm still holding up my end as well as I can with no direction. He gets all the damn perks and I get absolutely nothing. Most things I would do anyway because that's just the way it's always been. I'd rather he was happy and who cares about me. So, ok, my fault. This is all my fault. He already had it all without ever having do to any work for it, so why would he start now? He has one job. That's it. His job is to go to work and collect a pay check every week and everything else is my department. He's never had to worry about any of the rest of it. I'm the one that makes the budget work, even when it shouldn't, I force it to bend to fit whatever it is we need. I'm the one who figures out what needs to be bought and what we can manage without. I'm the one that does all the fixing when disaster strikes. I do the laundry, the cooking, deal with kids up my ass 18 hours a day and all the little things that go with that. And I let it be this way. Well, who's the idiot here ...

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I think 16 years of trying, 16 years of being the one to hold us together, 16 years of the same conversation ... I think maybe I've had enough. Because really, we have a house, we have kids, we have dogs ... but between us? I don't know what's even there anymore. And maybe this feeling will ease up after a few days, it probably will in fact. After all, that's how I ended up feeling like this in the first place ... eventually it just gets shoved away. But really, just how many times is too many times to feel like this? Where do I draw the line? I can never quite let anything go completely because there is always that tiny spark of hope. I always get sucked in by his words, which he promptly delivers right on time, every time I am convinced I've finally reached the end of my rope.

Maybe, just maybe, he needs to miss me a little bit.

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I dislike feeling like this. I shouldn't have to feel like this all the damn time.

Friday, 20 October 2017

Tales or tails?

I'm tired and my head feels like it's about to explode. I went to bed with a headache last night, barely slept, and I've been working for the last 4 hours straight. About 10 minutes after waking up, I had a hot coffee, my blanket, and was sitting down ready to work. I got lucky this morning. There were over 100 jobs waiting and I got my hands on a good chunk of them. The list is empty now, but I've increased my pay next week by a good bit. "Good" meaning only about 30 bucks. lol But for my work, that's decent. I'm lucky if I make that much in a day, never mind just the morning.And the cutoff for next week's  isn't until tomorrow evening, so I still have time to pull in a bit more. Or maybe I'll just take a damn break. 7 straight weeks of these hours has me half dead.
There is some good news attached to this. It's taken 10 months, but we've finally done it. Come next week we will finally be all caught up on current bills. We still have some old debt, (so old that no one's expecting to see any money) but we're pretty much back on an even footing again, where we were before everything went to hell last year. Barring any more disasters, we might finally be able to start paying off those old debts. I don't make a lot of money each week, it amounts to far less than minimum wage most weeks, but it's been *just* enough ... to pick up the few extra loaves of bread, gas in the van, some treats for the kids. *Just* enough has finally gotten us out of the mess of overdue payments. *Just* in time too as it looks like Garf's last week of work will be next week. If we can just hang on a little bit longer ...

As far as everything else goes ... if this nothingness keeps up, I'll soon have to figure out just what kind of blog I'm gonna be scribbling in. Maybe once things settle down more and I don't have to work so much of the day, I'll finally get back to training the dog to be a more productive member of the family. Some day, maybe even soon, I'll get up a video showing off her talent. Cuz how interesting would that be? Come for spanking tales and get a wagging tail instead.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

How many layers?

As I mentioned in my last post, Garf asked me to do something for him and have it done by Wednesday. Basically, I'm his research assistant. Scratch that, I am the one and only researcher. Anyway, I did it first thing on Monday because it's the not the first time I've done the rounds on this particular subject. I took a look around, found nothing that I hadn't already found and brought to him before, so I pretty much just pointed him in the direction of his own computer. Things I've sent through messages on fb are sitting in his downloads file and it just so happened that the last 3 that I'd sent him a few weeks ago were about this very subject. Sent him off a text to let him know and I never heard anything about it. Today is Wednesday. He said he was planning on having this all done tonight. I don't see it happening. He comes home, he eats, messes about on Facebook for an hour and takes his book to bed. (Which is killing me cuz my back doesn't agree with spending 9 hours sleeping, but as the computers are sitting in our bedroom ... well ... he's asleep in 10 minutes and I don't want to disturb him so I tend to go to bed at the same time)
I'm still floating in my bubble by myself. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. I have a nice layer of "I don't give a damn" wrapped around me. I need another layer or two, every now and then I almost feel like crying.

Monday, 16 October 2017

Pictures - Welcome to Newfoundland

 Yeah, he's pretty much at someone's front door. NL moose aren't shy at all.


 
The one thing I never saw with my own eyes in NL. They appeared in everyone's backyard,  but never ours.


 Mama and baby taking an evening stroll


 They aren't the prettiest animals, not like deer at all, but they sure do love to have their pictures taken.

 This guy was walking down the highway in front of us before he finally got tired of chasing him and went up over the bank. We did him a favor. There was (is still maybe?) a bounty on coyotes in NL and he was worth more dead than alive.


So there you go Amy. Some moose pics. Not a New Brunswick one, not the one that almost hit us, but it seems like NB moose don't like their pics taken so much. Could be that's the only thing I really miss about living in NL. Pics like these are a regular thing. We used to pile into the van after supper and just drive around, counting moose. 


Speaking of wildlife ... there are some mice running through the loft right now. Cheeky little buggers. I'm starting to miss having cats in the house. There no sense in even getting traps. We're surrounded by forest, there's no shortage of critters. They're cute and all, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the way they are sitting on the beams and looking at me. In groups. I hope they're not plotting a takeover.

As for the weekend ... I'm a little bit irritated, but I saw it coming, so letting it roll off. 30 seconds of speech does not constitute a conversation. To be fair, we did have a birthday girl to worry about yesterday and Garf ended the day with a headache. (Which I also saw coming because it happens just about every weekend. He insists on an extra 2-3 hours of sleep and eventually ends up with a headache because of it. This is why I haven't slept in for more than 20 years.) He asked me to do something and have it done by Wednesday ... but that pissed me off too 'cause it's not the first time I've done this for him. Basically I got the same standard, "I don't have a clue and I can't find anything anywhere that will spell it out for me" line that he gives me every few weeks. Why ask for help or advice if you're just gonna blow it off? I'm gonna do it anyway, but I am protesting under my breath the whole way. 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

My happy place

I'm freezing. It's not quite cold enough to see my breath, but my hands are so cold and stiff that working is just about out of the picture this morning. It's after 9 am and the frost is still covering the grass. It's nearing my hibernation time. I have a heater at my feet and a blanket over my lap creating a nice little heat tunnel. Now if I could just figure out how to keep my mouse hand warm.

This ... I need this. It's electric. It's heat. I NEED this blanket in my life. Maybe two of them.






Garf used some actual words last night to say again what he said in his text. I'm paraphrasing here, but I think what he said was something like, "I think I'm ready to do it right this time" Cautiously optimistic.

My oldest little girl is turning 16 this weekend. I wish we could do something special for her. As luck would have it, (our luck that is) the van is needing repairs which are being done today. It's hard to believe that in less than a year she'll be gone. A good friend of ours who lives in a real city and not in the middle of nowhere said the girl could go stay with her whenever she's ready. I think she'd like to go now, but I'm not quite willing to let her go so young. I know she's itching to go somewhere where there is life. This last year has been especially hard for her.

Oh, I almost forgot. We came *this* close to being dead last night. Damn moose. If he had decided to bolt across the road he would have destroyed our van and most likely Garf and I with it. When Garf swerved, if my window had been open I possibly would have had a face full of antler. Wasn't too far up the road from us either. It's strange that we never see any moose passing through the yard. We've seen signs of them, but never the actual animal.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Actions, not words

Ready for rules, we'll talk this weekend.

That's the message I got this morning. I don't even have a feeling to attach to this. Once it would have made my stomach fill with butterflies. I would have been happy, excited maybe. I have no feeling about it. His words have finally become *just* words. If I had to feel anything right now, it would be pissed. Pissed that he waits until I'm in the worst possible place before he brings this up. Again, making me feel like I'm being pacified. I need action, not words.
Well, however it is that I feel about this, I'm at least going to try and keep my mouth shut before anything spills over.

This feels like a long day. Not enough work to occupy me today.