Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Calm

Everything is calm and I'm enjoying the peace. I'm not fussing for a change. My frustration levels have dropped so I don't feel like killing anyone. I'm trying to pay extra attention to what Garf says, to pick up any little hints of what he may or may not like. As in ... instead of him needing to force submission, I willingly offer it. Cuz ya know, that's kind of what it's all about right? I don't know how I keep losing sight of that.

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In other news, my birthday bird is fully weaned and should be ready to come home this weekend. I hope Garf gets one of those days off without needing to take the day off (they don't ALWAYS work 7 days a week and they are starting to slow down as the season comes to it's end). Kind of hoping the work bleeds into the first or second week of October as we have some catching up to do financially. Hard to believe that everything went so wrong because of one rescheduled driver test. I may never stop being angry about that. Some guy gets hungover and takes the day off, effectively screwing us for 9 months so far. Maybe next year will be better ... I keep saying that and it's just kept getting worse. lol

I have one sick child (just a cold, nothing serious) that needs to keep her distance. Thank goodness she's not so little anymore so I don't feel too bad giving her a quick hug and kiss and shooing her off to her room. lol So far, no one else has caught the cold so we may be safe. This is day 4 of her breathing her little sick germs all over so just maybe she's kept it to herself. I'll hug her extra when she's better.


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Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Acceptance

That's my word of the day. Acceptance.
Yesterday, Garf and I had half a conversation through text ... mine, of course. And when we went to bed, he finished the conversation. He's having a problem with rules. Which is cool. It's just something so foreign to him and he doesn't want to overload and we give up again.
But the little voice inside was saying, "Hey, what about me?!!! What about what I need?" While drinking my morning coffee, I sent a text first thing, offering a compromise. (Ha, does anyone else see the humor in this??) My thought was maybe add just one, teeny, tiny, little rule every week.

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Well, I got a flat out, "NO".
What? Just that? Yeah. Just that. :(
No compromise. Apparently he is going to do this his way and that is by testing and trying things until it happens that he figures out how this is going to work.
Well, damn.


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Not very much, thank you very much.

He DID say I can have maintenance once a week, so that's a thing.

So it would turn out that for now, submission looks an awful lot like, "Not doing it my way".
Hmmm ... perhaps the sneaky man is learning something after all?


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I must go pout now. But not too much ... I think I just got handed what I wanted in the first place.

Monday, 21 August 2017

Backseat driver

Well, again my weekend didn't go as planned. Now when I say that, I should say ... it didn't go as "I'd" planned. I really do need to just sit back and let Garf do the driving here.

Two drivers won't work.

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This is kinda how I see it.

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This is probably what Garf should do. (See that ... see how well I know how to tell him how to do his job?)

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So ... it didn't go at all like I was picturing. But ... there was effort on his part. And maybe not so much on mine :( Maybe, just maybe there was a little bit of the sulks from me)

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Yep ... that was me.

Bath brush spoke ... rather softly actually, but it was enough. I guess I just needed a reminder that we were still reading the same book, I'm just on a different page a little further ahead.

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Even if we were to fail at this ... where we've gotten so far is really not a bad place to be at all. We're learning :)

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Forever isn't long enough.

I spend so much time whining and complaining. I never used to. And now all of a sudden I'm just full of complaints. Maybe because it's finally safe to do so. I'm not going anywhere. Garf's not going anywhere. Years and years of crap seems to be falling out of me these days. I find that once I'm caught up in it, nothing can stop me and it just keeps rolling and rolling and like a snowball, by the time it gets to the bottom of the hill, it's gigantic!
I don't have a whole lot to complain about though.
I have this most amazing man that still loves me, even after all these years, and all the crazy I've put him through. We've bounced all around looking for the place we call home. It turns out, I really don't care about the location so much. Home is Garf. My kids know exactly what kind of relationship they are looking for as they tell me over and over again how "cute" it is that Garf and I can't separate. At all. That it's amazing. And I guess it really is. It's amazing that what was just a rebound relationship which should have burned out fast, turned into this. This inability to quit each other even when sometimes it may have been the best thing. But even at our worst, when we're NOT good for each other ... we stubbornly hang on and fight our way back to each other.
I never wanted very much out of life ... My list was short. I wanted to be a vet, I wanted to write, I wanted a piece of land to have a little farm, I wanted a horse, I wanted dogs and other critters. I just wanted to be left alone to live quietly somewhere. I'll never be a writer, I don't have the self discipline for that. lol But I still scribble now and then because it amuses me. I don't write to please anyone else. I just write to write. I will never be a vet, but I'm ok with that because I seem to be running a zoo. lol I have a little piece of land and we may still aim for a bigger piece in a few years, but we'll see about that, I'm starting to lean towards having the kids grown and gone and Garf going back to trucking and me tagging along. I've never liked to stay in one place much. We have dogs, and rats, a bird is coming home next week. There are horses waiting to come home and maybe some goats and ducks as well next spring. Garf brings me coffee, and stuffed sheep, lets me bring home every stray I see and while sometimes they are rehomed, sometimes they stay. Basically Garf has given me everything I ever wanted to have.
Despite my complaining all the time, it's not just the material things he gives me. In fact, most of them I could do without and not really miss them. Except the coffee. Coffee is important. I always say that if he dies before me I'm going to have him stuffed and placed at his desk with his game of WoW open and ready. Because I just can't imagine a life without him beside me. There is a good chance that if he were to die first that I will lay down beside him and go with him. Some days I feel as if forever isn't long enough.
So ... he's slow on the uptake with the DD thing. That's ok. I can keep waiting because some day I know he will *get* it in a way that he just can't right now. It's happening though. I DO see the changes in him, little ones every day. I hear and see so many women crying over men that are really just being total jerks and I'm reminded how lucky I really am. He's never, ever, made me feel like I was annoying him for wanting his attention. I can tell myself that I would be annoying to him, but he's never said it, or made me feel that way. He's never said anything to intentionally hurt my feelings, just to take a jab at me. I can't even think of anything that he wouldn't do for me if I asked him to. So I know we're going to get this too. Because even when that voice in my head says he wants no part of it ... somewhere inside I know that eventually he will *get* it because taking care of me is just what he does.
I do find it hard to have the patience though. I think part of it is just feeling like time is slipping by and with every day there is one day less to have. I really should just shut up and enjoy that time.

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All the pretty horses

I'm having great difficulty keeping quiet. When Garf asked how we can get back on track I assumed that meant he was ready for conversation. I left some of my thoughts for him ( NO, I didn't text him anything, he was able to read at home) and I haven't pestered or bugged once. I figured maybe he would think for awhile (thinking is doing for him I think) and eventually let me in on it. He's been able to come home a bit earlier (and now that the sun is setting earlier he's gaining minutes there as well) and yesterday, he was home by 3! I am constantly running into my wall of expectations every day it seems. I thought yesterday for sure we'd talk as we suddenly had so much extra time. Nope. Not a peep. The somewhat optimistic mood I had is tanking rather quickly. I'm trying, but I know it's starting to leak out. *sigh*  I have no hopes for the rest of this week. There should have been rain, but it's been called off, so no rain days. Friday night our oldest is off for the weekend but that involves a 2 hour round trip after Garf gets off work so it'll be 11 or later before we get home and he'll be working the next day so that's out. Bah!! It's starting to get colder at night, it will soon be time for me to hibernate.

In other news ... Garf has started playing investigator for me. We need to find the person who owns the land around us. We don't have very much for ourselves, about an acre. We're surrounded by someone else's property. We have a garage which will convert nicely to a barn (and I think it may have been used as such before, for something like goats or maybe just chickens), and a smaller shed that I'd like to use for chickens, but not enough land. Well, Garf made a trip down the road to see our closest neighbor who only lives here about 1 month of the year, and now we have a name and number. Maybe soon we will be in touch with whoever owns all that land. People being the way they are here, no one thinks we'll have much of a problem working out a deal to use some of the land, a few acres worth, to run electric for my horses. I'm really hoping that maybe next spring we can bring them home.


This is my problem girl. She's never been ridden without blinders so imagine my surprise when no one told us that little detail and I ended up on my ass. I've gotten her to the point where I can be above her on the fence, but then winter came and we moved. This is one of my favorite pics of her, she has her resting bitch face on, see how tights those lips are? Tighter than a nun's ... never mind.



This girl is lazy but she can be ridden, so she's good for the kids.



And this spoiled little brat is the baby. She was just coming up on her 2nd birthday when this pic was taken. With luck I'll start groundwork with her next year and be riding by the time she's 4. This is the one that started the whole horse collection. She was my birthday present 3 years ago. She's not such a scrawny thing now.


I miss looking out my window and seeing the girls. Just one more winter to get through. 7, maybe 8 months and we'll be running fence I hope.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

TMI maybe ...

I have a little sex toy that looks pretty darn innocent. It's called the Satisfyer. Horrible name really, but whatever, I didn't buy it for it's name. It's just a little thing. Quiet (especially compared to the racket a wand makes). The first time I tried it, it surprised me. Usually, I can get pretty sensitive, and I'm a one orgasm kind of girl. Try to get a second one from me and you'd be likely to get kicked in the face. Which is why I have a love/hate relationship with my wand. I am having an orgasm whether I want to or not. Problem is, that darn thing almost wipes my clit off the map. The wand only makes an appearance every now and then because it's really just too strong for me and I end up sort of numb for days. So anyway ... the Satisfyer was my answer to that and we bought one a few months ago. Played around with it a little bit and discovered to my great surprise, that I don't get overly sensitive using it. Before OR after an orgasm. I don't get irritated with it like I do with vibrate-y things. So win, right??
Not so fast. Garf has found a new way to torment me. He's turned my favorite new toy against me :( "Edge" is now his favorite word. It doesn't matter if I don't have this little toy placed exactly on just the "right" spot. It just feels good all around. The problem is, if it's not in just the "right" spot ... I am left hanging on the edge of an orgasm that is just a little out of reach. And because it's not making me extra sensitive, it just goes on. And on, and on, and on ...
I need to find another new toy to buy for Garf to focus on. He is far too amused by this one.

Also ... it's a LONG way to go for coffee where we live. Pretty much a half hour no matter which direction we go. Butt plugs and bumps don't play nicely together. I never noticed before just how bumpy that highway way is ...

In other news ... I'm still waiting for a little more talking, but it seems that's just not gonna happen. Yet. Maybe he's still thinking. lol I'm trying to wait, and be patient, not pester til I piss him off. So far, so good, though I'm getting a little antsy feeling inside, I'm keeping a lid on it.

Monday, 14 August 2017

Come play

There are no monsters under my bed, no closet for them to hide in. They reside in my head. And lately, they are restless. I don't know why. Some days are all right, some are not. It seems when things go off with Garf, I am less able to keep them under control. I can't be everywhere at once. I feel too tired to try to keep them in their places. It's been a long ... life. I feel like I'm always battling something inside. I can never seem to run far enough. So basically, my current mood is shit, for no "real" reason I can grab hold of. It will pass. Eventually.

Every time Garf backs away from me, some of my pet monsters come out to play. My head is a freakin' playground. I need to shut it down. I also need some damn sleep. There needs to be more spanky action going on around here. To make it quiet in my head for awhile.

Thursday night. Awful, but Garf turned it around a little bit so it wasn't a complete disaster. It was a day I wished I could be anyone other than me. Be some way, other than the way I am. I'll spare everyone the details, but I gotta say that Garf managed it pretty much the only "good" way he could. Any other way and I would have been in a million pieces. Backing down, but not all the way. Not getting angry, or pissy (at least, not that he let on). So there was that ... and it turned out ok, but then it all went bad anyways. Because it wasn't what I wanted, or needed. Which kind of makes me the bitch here, because he was just trying to do something nice and I turned it to shit.
See ... all I do in my head is count down the hours til he's gone again, til we have no time again. So when the night ends with no real talking, no plan to make things more ... I must be really tired, I can't even think enough to write. I think maybe concrete is a good word. More solid. Because he can say do or don't do ... but there is nothing to backing that up later. It's very much in the realm of, "He doesn't care, so why should I?" How very grown up of me, right?? So basically, I feel like I'm in some in between place and I don't know which way is up. By the time Friday night had rolled around I'd lost control of myself. I tried to answer a simple question Garf had asked me and it was like quicksand. It wasn't pretty. (There was even a text that told him my smokes were off the table, don't touch 'em, leave me alone. Apparently he almost dropped his tractor and I almost lost my smokes AND ass ... See, he is starting to think the right way, the problem is in the DOING) (Sorry Amy!! I totally forgot the deal and sent texts. I should have stopped and emailed you) Finally, just before he got home from work, I had a friend from a Facebook DD group haul me off the edge and tell me to get myself together, apologize for being a texting idiot all day, and offer a blow job. lol Garf and I DID talk a bit Friday night, but mostly it was just a clean up after the mess I'd made of the day.

And this is where it starts to get worse. Again. One day we are gonna figure this out. One day.

Ok, so Garf gets 2 (yes 2, two!!) days off. In a row. Together. One after the other. As I said above, I'm always just watching the clock tick away our time. Right. Instead of enjoying having that time, I'm just watching it run out. So ... 2 days ... I'm sure we all know what I was waiting for. Totally desperate for him to talk to me. To put it out there, to make it solid, make it real. To say, "This is how it's gonna go," followed by blah blah blah blah. Oh dear ... my head needs to take a rest and leave poor Garf alone. Saturday rolls by, but that's ok ... there's still hope, there is still Sunday!

Sunday did not look promising. It got later, and later, I'm watching our time tick away. Garf *tried* to talk to me. And I retreated behind my wall. "How do we get back on track?" He asked me that and I disappeared. Really. I really did. After all the nonsense I've been spouting, I took off. I guess a part of me was thinking, why can't he figure this out himself? How can he not know that it's really as simple as making the plan and sticking to it. As simple as, Rule #1 is this ... break Rule #1 and this happens. (Yes, it's not THAT simple, but it's a place to start). It's a consistency thing. It's a matter of just doing something, instead of just throwing words around. So anyway ... I retreat, he gets frustrated, I'm suddenly in tears, and then it happened. He went to the bathroom. And I cracked. Just like that. I didn't know he'd just gone to the bathroom. He was frustrated with me ( I think?), he's on his side of the bed, I'm on mine, I'm crying and he's just reading and leaving me alone ... so when he up and went to the bathroom, I thought he'd gone to sleep on the couch. And I totally freaked out. Because then we were right back to feeling like we did 6 months ago. When we were broken. When there was no saving us. When I was alone.

Poor Garf. He came back from the potty and finds me bawling and practically hyperventilating. He caught on real quick what had gone wrong and sat me on his lap and held me while I snotted all over him and I clung to him like the life raft he is. He tucked me into bed and pulled me up snug to him and made me laugh. He's the only person that can make me laugh when I'm crying. And kinda just like that, it was better. (Well, I got a little boost from that damn hockey stick? bath brush? both maybe? I don't know actually, lol, but I can't find either of them this morning). Not only was I moving away from him physically, I was pulling away emotionally and getting ready to place more bricks on the wall. And he didn't let me. See ... I knew he had it in him. I mean, I wondered a few times if it would ever "catch", but I knew he could do it.

He is so worried and always thinking if he's doing the "right" thing. So he chooses nothing over maybe making a wrong decision. Funny thing is, the only "wrong" thing is when he does nothing. Every time he's done something, it's been the right thing for the moment. So maybe he CAN play with my monsters after all ...

Also ... edging. It sucks. I am not a fan. 3 times. My body was practically buzzing. What a sad why to go to sleep. I think I was all wrapped up in his arms so that made everything better :)